Debbie Egan + Janet Quint
Different continents can’t keep Janet (left) and Debbie apart
IN 1984, AUSTRALIAN MOM DEBBIE AND AMERICAN MOM JANET STARTED CHATTING IN LINE AT THE FOODCOURT OF A SUBURBAN NEW YORK SHOPPING MALL. IT’S BEEN 40 YEARS, HUNDREDS OF LETTERS, TRIPS AROUND THE WORLD AND A “PEN-PAL-SHIP” THAT DEFINED THEIR LIVES. THIS IS THEIR FRIENDSHIP STORY.
How did you meet? You live on opposite sides of the world!
Debbie: I live in Sydney, Australia, but we met at the Galleria Mall in White Plains, N.Y., in 1984. My husband Tony had come home one day and told me he was being sent to Armonk, N.Y. to attend a 9-week management course and that our 10-month old baby (Luke) and I could come too. I almost decided not to go. In my mind, White Plains conjured images of a roadside stop on a long highway. It certainly wasn’t mentioned in the tourist guides! I “ummed” and “ahhed” for quite some time before deciding to just go for it. Little did I know that in a few short weeks I would meet the friendship love of my life.
Janet: At that point in my life, I was living in Hartsdale, N.Y. with my husband and our 11-month old daughter, Lauren. Life was getting complicated for us. We were going to be moving to San Francisco soon and I was about to leave behind our families (parents, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends) and my career contacts; therefore, emotions ran high. It had been a difficult decision but we were going. So, between packing and organizing, I took my baby girl on an outing to the Galleria Mall because that is what you did in 1984.
D: Yes! Each day I would push Luke in his pram to The Galleria, which at that time was an attractive mall and (to me) a treasure trove of shops that were far more interesting than the ones back home.
How did you start talking?
J: I have always been an outgoing person, have loved people, and wouldn’t hesitate to initiate conversations with strangers (a habit that I may have inherited from my dad!) As I recall, while my baby and I were taking a break at the food court at the mall, I saw a woman about my age with a baby about my daughter’s age. Perfect! As I recall, I initiated the conversation by asking, “How old is your baby?” We exchanged niceties, but her accent intrigued me. If these two were not living in N.Y. how on earth did they end up in White Plains? Hearing the story of what brought them here, prompted me to think that this potentially interesting woman knew no one and had no real destination during her visit to the U.S. It just popped into my head that it would be fun to have her over and make her day much more interesting by seeing an American home, hanging out with someone who also had a baby, and seeing what else we might have in common. I certainly did not know any Australians.
I reassured Debbie that not all Americans were like me but that I was a safe bet and it could be fun to take a chance. I knew it was an unusual offer but suggested she discuss it with her husband to see if he felt it was something he supported. Had I ever spontaneously invited a perfect stranger to my house? Absolutely not!
D: Now, I’d heard about the warmth and generosity of Americans, but was totally shocked when Janet invited me over to her place. She gave me her number and said to call her! Not known for my adventurousness, once again I “ummed” and “ahhed.” Should I call? Was she just being polite? Would it be weird to be picked up by a virtual stranger and taken to their house? Thankfully, Tony convinced me to put my shyness aside and make the call. I am forever grateful that I did.
On the agreed day, Janet picked me and Luke up and took us to her lovely home, where we sat in her sunny back garden and began to learn a little about each other and our families. She was getting ready to move to San Francisco and yet she had still found the time to open her house to me.
And so then one returned to Australia while the other moved cross country to California. You decided to keep in touch by letter?
J: After Debbie returned home, she politely sent a thank you note to me for the lovely afternoon. That impressed me. I reached out by writing back after that and asked her to let me know how little Luke was doing and from there, our letter writing began.
D: When I returned home, we began to write to one another, slowly revealing more and more about ourselves and realising we shared all the important ideas about life and love. It’s an indescribable joy to be part of this amazing relationship that grew little by little, through each letter that found its way to our mail boxes. In time, we were pouring our hearts out to one another and working our way deeper into each other’s hearts and minds. I look back at all our correspondence and see the change in tone over the years—from the ‘slowly getting to know you stage’ to the ‘jump straight into the deep and personal.’ From ‘Dear Debbie’ to ‘Darling Deb.’ From ‘pen friends’ to ‘best friends.’ Over time I found myself telling her everything. There is NOTHING I couldn’t or don’t tell Janet.
How have these letters affected your lives?
D: Janet has been there for me, during all the major ups and downs of being a human. I look to her wise counsel in everything and her advice is invaluable to me. Her intuition and love hit the right spot every single time. I never have to second guess what I write. I know she will always ‘get it.’ With every word of hers that I read, I hear her voice speaking to me.
J: Letter writing is a magical experience. Our letters did become more and more revealing as we shared life’s experiences and highs and lows. I strongly believe that the unique thing about writing is that it is a linear experience. In a conversation, there is an exchange, a give and take. But when you write, your thoughts are uninterrupted and you can allow yourself to use the writing to explore your own feelings. Liken it to a diary but with someone who cares on the other end. Debbie supports my feelings and gives invaluable advice; try to do the same for her.
Are you still writing today or have you switched to real-time texting or video calls?
D: Letter writing has been fundamental to how our relationship progressed from our initial brief physical meeting into the deepest of friendships. Being a more traditional ‘long form’ means of communication, we filled our letters with all the little details of life. No brief texts or short messages in those days—and for that I’m very grateful. As time passed and technology meant we could connect instantaneously, we continued to document the story of our lives, to laugh and cry on each other’s shoulders.
J: We have evolved in terms of how we communicate, moving from standard letters, to email letters, zoom meetings, and reunions in person! But the essence of our communication remains the same. The thrill of receiving a letter never goes away. Via mailbox or via email, the excitement of knowing there’s a letter waiting for me can make my day better. These letters are not a page long. They go on for pages and pages. I take each word in and usually read it many times (many, many times).
Do you ever see each other in person?
D: Oh yes! The first time I saw Janet again and met her husband, Brian, was in 1990 when we stopped off in San Francisco on the way to New York, where we were preparing to move for a work assignment. In 1991, on a west coast road trip, we finally got to have both families in the same place at the same time. Janet and I already felt like we knew each other’s children, but it was wonderful to see them together and watch them interact.
In 1998, I had 3 children and Janet had 2. Janet, Brian, and the kids visited Australia and we spent a wonderful couple of days together (and they got to visit some Aussie attractions we have yet to see!)
We started to travel together as well. An absolute highlight was meeting up in New Orleans in 2014 to celebrate 30 years since that first serendipitous encounter. There have been more visits to Australia and San Francisco (and Napa) and an incredible trip to China in 2018. We now have plans to meet in 2023 and spend a couple of exciting weeks in Australia’s wine country.
J: Traveling together is just a dream! Who could have imagined that our husbands would get along and actually enjoy traveling together as well? Occasionally, people will think they are brothers or that we are sisters, until they hear the accents from different parts of the world!
Favorite part of your friendship? Favorite thing about one another?
J: I love that our story is so unique. Letter–– writing is now a rare way to communicate—in this fast paced world it is essentially a thing of the past. For us, after a chance meeting, it is how we shared our lives and our worlds. How many people today can say they have an actual pen pal? Is it even a thing anymore?
Debbie provides me with unconditional love and support and holds my heart. She is often among the first people I turn to for counsel and support. I treasure our friendship, precious time together, and our story.
D: I love everything about our friendship. I’m constantly amazed at the depth of connection that can exist in a long-distance friendship that has grown, for the most part, through letters. I love having a friend who knows my history over a long period of time and who can pick up a hint or idea that is woven somewhere into what I’m trying to articulate and can then express it back to me. That is a very deep layer of connection and understanding. I love that our friendship encompasses our families, especially that our husbands are such great mates. Janet knows all my insecurities and foibles and loves me anyway. She gently nudges my thinking and helps me see a way forward when I’m in a rut. I adore her impish smile and her laugh. She knows how to listen and be serious and she knows how to have fun. She brightens every moment and has added joy to my life in so many unexpected ways. I love her beyond measure.
Why do you think it worked so well?
D: What made Janet and I ‘click’? We were at the same stage of life, each with a first child under the age of o
ne. We were ‘stay at home’ mums, sharing the delights and exhaustion of babies and parenting. We both had husbands with very demanding jobs who worked long hours. We understood all those demands of sometimes ‘solo’ parenting. We lean the same way politically and share a love of books. Those are great starting points, but to make a long-distance friendship develop into one of the defining relationships of your life, there has to be something more. Beyond the shared values and shared sense of humour. A special magic. Maybe it’s the curly hair.
The biggest things can grow from the smallest points of connection. Grab those moments and hang onto them with all your might. The stars aligned so perfectly to bring us together,. We have felt the magic of that moment every day since then. We are more than BFFs. We are Best Friends In The Whole Entire Universe.
J: We were 2 young women who took a chance back in 1984 and became old-fashioned pen pals. Old-fashioned pen pals became each other’s confidantes. Confidantes became best friends and world wide travel buddies. The connection was serendipitous but led to a lifelong friendship that has endured distance, time, and the craziness of life, of raising a family, keeping marriages together, working in and out of the home, and experiencing political, climate, and emotional upheavals.
I am one lucky lady. I have been blessed with family and friends who contribute to my everyday life. My friendship with Debbie has added so much love, adventure, and depth to my life. Thank you Debbie, my Australian friend, for taking a risk and spending an afternoon with an outgoing American mother and her little one. What a life-changing day!
