Melissa Kaye
MELISSA KAYE has a loss journey that few can understand. Her son, Joshua, would be 19 years old this year.
Melissa’s grief is always close to the surface, and for you and me, she openly and joyfully shares the celebration of his life. She shared with us that every event, every fundraiser, every project, every act of kindness done in Joshua’s memory has the same effect: Powerful.
“A whole bunch of people together in a room, caring about the same thing that can make a difference—there is nothing more powerful than that.”
We had a powerful conversation. It begins here.
Melissa Kaye
Melissa Kaye and her family honor Joshua’s caring spirit through Joshua Kaye Foundation, whose mission is to empower youth to give back to their communities through acts of service.
Photo: Stephanie C. Olsen
Joshua Kaye Foundation is coming up on 10 years.
Yes. So, July 7th will mark ten years without Josh. We knew, pretty immediately, that we would do something in his memory to do some of the work that he would have done. My husband, Andy, and I both knew that at the same time. We just kind of looked at each other and just knew that we had this great community around us that has been supportive from the very beginning. It’s kind of heart-wrenching, but also, it feels timely that this issue is part of the anniversary.
What was important to Josh?
He was a super prankster. My neighbor said to me a few weeks after we lost Josh, “I’m just going to miss hearing you yell ‘No, Josh, no!’” [laughing] He liked to drive us all a little bit crazy with his pranks, but he was a really sweet boy. And an old soul.
He cared deeply from the time he was very small. No one could ever believe he was only two or three or four or five because he always had these intense thoughts and opinions. He cared about the idea that not everyone had enough food. When he was in Kindergarten, I had gotten something from Feed America, a really interesting piece that unfolded into a placemat. I was reading the statistics about hunger on it, and he said, “Wait, Mommy, what do they mean they don’t have enough food?” I could see the gears turning and his eyes welling up with tears. He said, “That’s not fair. Everyone should have enough food.” Another time, we saw a young, homeless woman in Boston. He couldn’t stop talking about it for weeks, which I understand because even as an adult, it is heart-wrenching. As a child, having these realizations, he didn’t let them go. We couldn’t just say, “Oh, don’t worry,” but we didn’t want our child hyper-focusing on such stressful things, either. Weeks later, he was still concerned. So, hunger and homelessness were right there.
He also had a passion for animals. (And he was a very good friend. I’m bouncing around a little! We went to a mixed-age school at Meeting House Montessori in Braintree, Massachusetts. I give them so much credit for putting together the community, because, without those folks, I don’t think I would have survived this long.) His love for animals is something that has stuck with us and has become part of the work we do at the foundation. I think he was six, it was winter, and there was a mass stranding of dolphins on the Cape in Wellfleet. He kept seeing it on the morning news or when I was on social media. “Mommy, how many now?” And it got well over 110 at one point in a very short period of time. He just was like, “Well, Mommy, we have to help!” I kind of laughed to myself because that was just so typical of him. But I was also like, “It’s two hours away, it’s frigid, we don’t have what you need, they don’t make wet suits your size. We just can’t help with this one, but we’ll make a donation or something.” “No, Mommy, we need to find out what they need!” So I called the International Fund for Animal Welfare and I spoke with Tracy Weeks and she sent a list of needs. When he saw the list was a lot of money, he was like, “We need to have a fundraiser.” I didn’t know how to say no to that. He decided that he wanted to have a fundraiser at Dave and Busters and get everyone he knew to come and raise money to help save the Dolphins. So he did, and he roped in his sister, who was a pre-teen at the time, and made a huge poster and went around to all the classes at his school and asked the principal if he could get up and talk to everyone. And he raised over $1,000. At six years old. He was this fiery, passionate little person.
Where does that come from? Are you a family involved in your community?
Yeah. I think my husband and I are both, maybe to a fault. “Of course we’ll help!” When something has to be done, you just do it, you know? But I don’t know exactly where, at six years old, he picked up on that. Andy and I were both on the board of the Massachusetts Youth Leadership Foundation so every year, I guess he would see us supporting that organization’s events. Sometimes he got to be the little star of their social dance—so maybe. My husband and I joke that our kids got the best and the worst of both of us: big hearts and passionate about things, but super stubborn.
What was the mission you started out with ten years ago?
I will be brutally honest: we were just doing the work, you know? At first, it was sustaining us as a family and as a community. Whatever we could do. It was basically, “Spread love and kindness in memory of Josh by doing some of the work that he would have done.” We’ve definitely narrowed that down to something a little more focused over the years. Our mission is to work to end hunger, promote animal welfare, and provide educational and enrichment opportunities for children in need while empowering youth to make positive changes in their community.
When we first lost Josh, we did ask his friends for some words that described him and on our website and our social media, you’ll see this emblem that reads, “Spread love and kindness.” “Play fair, be silly, help others, be yourself.” Those are all words his friends gave us. A local artist crafted that into the emblem. Those were our guiding principles at the beginning. Thank goodness for the good friends that we have around us because, for five straight years, we just were doing anything and everything that we could do to help.
My porch was constantly covered in donations, and that kind of kept me sane, by keeping busy. But it’s really hard- I think actually the hardest thing about running a nonprofit is having to say no, or not saying yes to opportunities to help so that we can remain more focused on the more developed programs. That has come with time. I think I was in shock for a solid six years. The first major thing that we did, and this remains a big part of what we do, is we installed a greenhouse and raised bed gardens at Joshua’s school. That was important to us—the whole idea of educating young people, hands-on, about where food comes from and giving people the tools to grow their own food. Our hope was that the students and the program there would grow additional produce that could then be used in the lunchroom, and to help supplement the local food pantries. That’s been really well received. I’ve gotten sweet messages from parents saying that some of the best memories with their kids were over the summer when they had volunteered for a week to take care of the garden. And so that makes me happy—a nice little legacy for Josh.
We partnered with Island Grown Initiative and the Edgartown School in Edgartown, Massachusetts, after their big greenhouse was destroyed in a storm in 2018. They have a huge program and supply thousands of pounds of produce to the local schools and pantries. We’ve continued at The Marge Crispin Center in Braintree, Massachusetts with a raised bed garden that we installed, and we continue this as one of our major initiatives.
Is this helping with your grief journey?
I don’t know. I honestly can’t say where I would be if I didn’t have this work. Not just for myself—there’s selfish grief, right? My child is gone. But, we have two other children, Lauren and Alex, who lost a brother. And you can’t let that go away and let it be “Oh, back to normal life.” Josh had this whole group of friends and classmates who were way too young to have experienced that kind of loss. And so the foundation has served as a community for them as well, and it continues as his classmates and his cousins formed our junior board. Then we have this huge list of ambassadors who are kids that maybe went to school with him or maybe just started volunteering with us and really loved it and stayed with it. So, to me, having a community coming together to do this good work and knowing that they’re doing this in memory of him is helpful.
We did have one little boy who started volunteering with us who had lost his father the year after we lost Josh. He has the kindest heart. His mom made sure that he knew he was not the only person who had experienced loss and that there were healthy ways to process it. She told him a lot about Josh, and she called me up one day a couple of years ago to tell me that he said to her, “You know, Mom, I did this nice thing, and I think Josh Kaye would really be proud of me for that.” My heart exploded. I mean, what a special kid to even think like that.
Do you find that you’re getting people who are coming to the foundation to get through their grief journey?
We have a good number of people who have experienced loss and a lot of people who have lost Josh. We have this community where we can all come together and bring anything we can to the table at any given time. I always say I have no toes to step on in terms of running this organization. There are a few things that I care a lot about. We don’t get into anything political. We don’t get into anything potentially divisive. It’s my son’s name, so we’re careful about that. But otherwise, if other people are coming in and sharing their time and talents, then I am nothing but grateful. You’re choosing to spend your time and energy on this project with us. We do have this great community, and I think people feel that they can express themselves. We have had a few people experience losses close to them, and they know that they can come back here as this safe landing spot and either keep busy because that’s helpful, or just talk.
It sounds like an internal, innate need to help others process what they’re going through in their lives.
Oh, for sure. And, I think through our Holiday Baking Bags program, especially. Families are coming out with their children and feeling like they can teach their kids about helping others from a very young age. We find that families can do something to process whether it’s grief that they’re dealing with or just all of the turmoil right now in the country and in the world.
People do want to act, right? But they might not have the ability to solve all these big problems. But when you can show up and make a difference that day, that hour, and share that with your children, it goes a long way. I’m continually surprised by how people are willing to give their very precious time and energy and keep coming back. That, to me, is all I need for hope for the world, you know? People care. I’m constantly reminded of that. I am surprised by the level at which busy parents, busy college students, and busy high schoolers will commit to helping other people. That’s not the message that we’re getting about people on the news and on social media. It’s just not. But I’m seeing it with my own eyes, time and time again. They come back, and they’re like, “I actually feel like I can do something. I can help.” And that’s a big part of our mission.
That’s the most beautiful message. It’s nice to hear that when we turn off the television and social media and stop seeing protests, anger, and divisiveness, there is another side to the story.
JKF has distributed 72,000+ pounds of pantry essentials and holiday baking ingredients to more than 4,000 families in Massachusetts. The impact goes beyond the beautiful memories families can make while they bake together; Individuals and families experiencing food insecurity are more likely to accept an invitation to someone’s home. Social isolation is a devastating side effect of food insecurity.
Sometimes it’s not even another side to the story, but it’s another viewpoint. We can be really angry; there are a lot of things that are not fair. It’s not fair that my child is gone. It’s not fair that there are hungry children, homeless children, or kids who don’t have the same opportunities as kids in the next town over. None of it is fair. And as a mom, you get so angry. But for me, the most effective path toward making an impact is to channel that into something more positive. When we get a whole bunch of people together in a room, caring about the same thing—that can make a difference. There is nothing more powerful than that. I’m not this fairy-dust-always-seeing-the-sunshiny-side-of-things person. I am upset. I am angry. But I can’t live in that place. I have to use the anger.
The sun is made of fire, too, right?
BE A CATALYST
Inspired by Melissa? Here are ways you can get involved with her mission:
PACK Join us at a community packing event to pack our Holiday Baking Bags with essential pantry supplies and baking ingredients to be distributed to families in need ahead of Thanksgiving and the winter holidays. Bags are distributed in partnership with the Marge Crispin Center, Quincy Interfaith Food Pantry, Weymouth Food Pantry, the South Shore Food Bank, and others.
PARTNER Help raise funds and partner with us to plan/organize a packing event for your company, school, sports team, or other group! We’ll distribute in partnership with your local food pantry!
EMPOWER Cover the cost of ingredients for a local group of student volunteers to pack and deliver.
DONATE The cost to assemble each Holiday Baking Bag is about $35. We welcome donations and we love partnering with companies and service organizations to care for our neighbors in need.
TIME & TALENT Help with Holiday Baking Bags or join a committee to make a difference through another impactful initiative.
SPREAD THE MESSAGE on social media (Instagram and Facebook). Share our stories and our posts. Talk to your family and friends and have meaningful conversations about the importance of giving back to your community.
