An Authentic Connection
What's the purpose of building connections if it doesn't resolve your loneliness?
Marie Romilus, Bel Lavi Life Coaching
Can you think of a time when you did something that didn’t involve you connecting with someone else? Even when you work for yourself, one often must connect with another person to get the job done.
Therapists often connect with other therapists in addition to connecting constantly with our clients. A freelance photographer has to connect with clients or buyers, your pizza delivery person has to interact with you to deliver your food...you get where I’m going here right? At some point in your life, connecting with other people is an important skill that is needed in this society.
When individuals face chronic loneliness they often experience increased mental health issues and lower quality of life. According to the University of California, Berkeley, “Our relationships impact all dimensions of our well-being, including physical and mental health and our ability to flourish at work and in every other facet of life.” Building connections resolves this feeling of loneliness and isolation that we may often feel.
However, can it be possible to feel lonely even when you have other people around you? I grew up in a house with 6 other siblings, mom, dad, aunts and uncles, and cousins often around me, but I was such a lonely child. I would try to build connections with others but it never felt genuine, and I would still feel lonely.
I’m the oldest of the 7 children with a 6-year age gap between me and the second eldest child, connecting with my siblings as a teen was damn near impossible. My parents and all other elders in my family often utilized a strict parenting style and the “I'm not your friend, I'm your parent,” motto which made it impossible to relate or connect with them emotionally. My peers often looked at me like a science experiment, being one of the only black kids in my school and if that wasn’t hard enough, let’s add on being a foreigner coming from Haiti which at the time was not a culture most Cape Codders knew anything about, so I was often isolated for who I was, making it hard to connect with others.
I was great at making superficial connections, however. Doing community service work allowed me to be well-known in the community, often known as the “good girl,” “the singer,” “the musician,” “the pastor’s daughter.” But I was known for only certain aspects of my life, not really who I was. It was easy to keep up a persona for a couple of hours, but then I would go home and feel lonely again.
What’s the purpose of building connections if it doesn’t resolve your loneliness?
Over the years, I noticed that there are different types of connections we build with people depending on our environment, societal expectations, etc. I was great at building connections on a networking basis; however, I REALLY needed to build authentic, genuine connections with the people I chose to have around me on a regular basis, outside of work and networking relationships.
How do you know if your friendship is real?
MY father always loved telling all of us children, “Your sibling is your best friend.” I hated it when he would say that, because when you’re 15 years old, you don’t want to think that a 9-year-old is your best friend. My sister and I could not relate at that time, so we could not connect. I loved her deeply, but she couldn’t be my “friend” at that time.
I notice now that my friendships at the time were as superficial as the connections I was building with others. None of it was real or healthy. My need to be accepted was so high that I would sacrifice who I really was and my values just to have “friends.” Remember that I was unable to connect with my parents and other family members, so communicating with them and getting guidance on having successful friendships was not going to happen, I was on my own with this one.
From Kindergarten to freshman year of college, my friendships barely existed. The friends that I had only knew the person I was at school, they rarely got to know who I was outside of school. I remember one of my friends came over during sophomore year of high school. I believe the cultural difference shocked her enough that she didn’t feel comfortable coming back again. I remember the day she entered my house; my siblings all ran up to me when I opened the door which was probably overwhelming to her as she only had one brother. The house smelled of different spices, Kompa (Haitian music) was playing on the radio, my grandfather and 3 uncles were sitting in the living room, the house was CROWDED, loud, and smelled different. I remember the words she used “your family is so different from mine.” Then after, making jokes about all the people in my home, and now she understands why my jacket often smells of food. My high school friendships never evolved into more.
From age 19-30, I made more attempts to build genuine connections with friends, connections with more substance and that felt comfortable. This is the time that I learned the difference between what I consider to be acquaintances and friends. I never had friends I could be at least 80% transparent with and feel no judgment—building that level of connection felt impossible to me. Throughout my time as a young adult I discovered the ability to actually LOVE someone who you have no romantic interest for nor have any family connection to. I had a group of friends I felt was like my other family, they accepted and embraced my family dynamic and the connection was genuine.
Part of getting older is also understanding that people change as time goes on. From age 30 to current, that has become more evident and something that I have had to work on and accept.
To maintain successful connections with others, you have to continue to meet the other person at their level. For example, if you are talking to a child about their feeling of loneliness, instead of saying “When I was your age I felt the same way,” say, ”Sometimes I feel that way too.” That way you connect with them as an individual and not minimize their feelings based on their age as if just because they are children they feel this way. They can better connect with you if they feel that everyone feels this way sometimes no matter the age.
What I have learned is sometimes in friendships, the connection can fizzle out depending on where the individuals are currently in their lives. When some friends change and others stay the same, the connection can deteriorate. I have experienced the end of a long-term friendship, and let me tell you, it can hurt as bad as the end of a romantic relationship or disconnecting with a family member.
Now into my 30s, a mother, a partner, a business owner, I find some of my priorities have shifted. I no longer have the energy to do a lot of the things I did in my 20s, and frankly, I AM OK WITH THAT! I realize that saying “Want to find out who your real friends are? Have kids,” is true. I was one of the first to have a child in my friend group, so while I’m breastfeeding during the summertime, my friends are experiencing Hot Girl Summer, which clearly is not my current status. Along the way, some of my other friends began to have kids. We grew closer by discussing our mommy issues and sending cute pictures of our children, while my other friend began to grow closer to other individuals who were not moms. Our lives became different, our connection faded, and our friendship ended. Accepting the end of a 15 year friendship is similar to ending a relationship—it’s hard, it’s depressing and there is a grief process one has to go through. It took some time to accept that some friendships serve their purpose at certain periods of your life, and that’s OKAY!
I realize that society always makes us perceive what is acceptable in different ways and that it’s hard to show who you really are with your friends or even when building connections with others. There’s this expectation and this belief that we must all fall into this certain view of what is considered “normal” in order to build good connections, but those connections don’t end up being genuine. At this point in my life, I have this “I’m too grown for this attitude.” So, I always attempt to respectfully be true to myself when I am attempting to connect with others. The journey to building long-lasting friendships was certainly difficult, but I don’t necessarily regret any of it as it contributed to making me into the person I am today. My interaction with my current friendships is raw, unfiltered and AMAZING. I feel I have finally found the formula: It’s called Thirty-five!
